thoughts...

Nine months go by, and you find yourself being told to push, and before you know it, something soft and pillowy is laid upon your chest for inspection. You hear, "It's a girl" and the room seems to be taking your breath away at the realization that you are now responsible for this tiny "girl" whom now you must name. A name that she will have for the rest of her existence. A name that will ultimately mark what kind of person she will be. She is perfect in your image, even after the trauma of birth, and although you usually have many words on your tongue, there seems to be a lack of brain function as you soak in what just took place. All your life you have waited for this moment and it is now here. All you hear is her, a sweet lullaby of cries, ones you've waited to hear for what seems like a millennium. Just as you feel yourself coming to, the cry seems to distance it self further and further away from where you lay. You wonder where she has gone. Why can't I hear her, where is everyone, where am I? Everything seems to have gone gray. Your breathing seems to be picking up as you feel terror in the deepest part of your stomach. My dreams, wants, hopes, desires, where did they go, who took them, what have I done? Water, no not water; tears, my tears.
Then you realize you are in your bed, drenched in your sorrow of reality. It's been years since you have been trying to conceive, and still the closest that you get to it is a dream. You hate sleep for the simple fact that it is nothing but falling into dreams. Dreams that seem to be everyone else's but your own. You lie there, catch what breath you have left and drag your hurt and beaten body out of the place that only causes you pain, bed. This is reality, this is your life.